Growing Up

Dear Kiddo,
So tomorrow is the last day of 3rd grade.  How time flies!  I can hardly even believe it...
You've come so far in the last year.  We've had some bumps in the road, of course, but I'm amazed at the person you've grown into.  I love how caring you are, how you are always willing to help out where you can. Academically you've done fantastic this year.  Your reading and Math skills are terrific.  We've got to work on those organizational skills and getting you to focus and follow through on what you've been told to do.  4th grade scares me just a bit but I have faith in you..faith in us and your teachers.
You will be a big brother soon.  You are so excited and so are we.  What an amazing big brother you will be.  It's so obvious already. 
I love you and all that you are.

Dear Kiddo

We're exactly 1 month from your next birthday. Double digits! I can hardly believe that 10 whole years have gone by. These 10 years have taught me so much. These 10 years have opened my heart in a way that nothing else, no one else, ever could.
I'm so proud of the person you've grown into and I am excited to see the man you will become.
I love you, kiddo.

Santa

So I thought that we were FINALLY getting to the truth about Santa. Some people might think that I'm crazy for wanting this bubble to burst..but I'm ready for the fat man to walk away and let us get the credit for the Christmas that the kiddo gets.

Anyway..I took the kiddo out yesterday so that he could pick out some gifts for a few family members and on the way home he started to talk about Santa.. he even got to a point where he was saying that he thinks that the parents put the gifts under the tree and that they write "From Santa" on them. I thought for sure that I was about to give him the truth and that Santa wasn't coming to town for us this year (and boy was this an exciting moment for me)..BUT at the last minute..he starts convincing himself why Santa IS real and IS magic and DOES bring the gifts. UGH!

The kid knows..he just doesn't want to. He's not ready to let go of it..maybe he thinks that he's going to loose out or that Christmas won't be the same for him anymore if he admits his non beliefs? I'm not sure..but we've got 2 weeks and I would really love it if he would let go before then..

The most selfish person I've ever known

Asshole has been no where to be found for some time now.. Saw Gavin in March .. Wrote me an email at the end of July asking to see him, then went to jail. Have heard nothing from him again until today when I get an email that says " WOULD LOVE TO SEE GAVIN SOON I MISS HIM SO MUCH AND NO I HAVE NO PHONE RIGHT NOW SO I HAVE TO BORROW PHONES OR USE PAY PHONES TO CALL RGHT NOW BUT PLEASE SET SOMETHING UP...."

First of all - This asshole is the most selfish person I've ever known. Every bit of this statement revolves around him and what he wants... He's never once stopped to think about what the kiddo might want, or how the kiddo feels.
Kiddo would love to see him too..would love to have been seeing him on a regular basis for the last 4 years! Would love to not have a dad who isn't in and out of jail every so many months... A dad who doesn't do drugs... A dad who doesn't lie, cheat and steal... A dad who doesn't break promises... A dad who can hold a job and have a place to live... A dad who can help teach him good morals and values.. A dad who can help him to become a good man..

What kind of mother would I be to be letting my child's emotions be stomped on by someone he cares so much about...? I can't do it. I won't do it.

Stay out of jail. Get off and stay off of ALL drugs. Get a job and keep it. Get a safe and stable place to live and stay there. Grow up and become a responsible adult. THEN we can talk about you rebuilding a relationship....

3rd Grade

For some out of this world educational reason that I can't quite grasp, the kiddo started back to school today. 2 weeks earlier than previous years. We're only half way through August and I feel like summer is already coming to an end.
So anyway..today the kiddo is officially a 3rd grader! Damn how time flies! I wasn't able to take him today and I feel a bit sad about that. I think that's more for me than for him anyway. He was just fine getting there just as he will be all year, I'm sure. He even got to go to the school yesterday to meet his teacher and find his new room. I think today will be a good day for him.
I worry about him and 3rd grade. I think academically he is mostly ready and with help and guidance from us, his peers and his teachers that he'll manage just fine. Socially, emotionally and organizationally I fear that he's going to struggle. These struggles may make the academic part of things just a little bit trickier. We will help his as best as we can and hopefully he'll grow and mature enough over the year to also help himself.
Days like today I miss being able to be home with him more. I miss being home when he's done with school. I miss being there to work on homework after school. I miss being able to have dinner ready for my family at the end of the day.
He's growing up so quickly and I don't want to miss a moment of it.

3 Dinosaurs + Happy Boy = Proud Mommas

I'm feeling so proud of my boy right about now (and hoping I'm not about to jinx things) Kiddo had hit a rough patch at school where he wasn't making the best choices or following directions and this was resulting in him loosing his dinosaurs. Each kid starts the day with 3 and the goal is to keep them. When the kiddo was having a hard time keeping them we put our heads together and came up with a reward system at home as an incentive to keep these dinos. So far it is working wonderfully. It makes me a very happy mommy when I get to see the excitement and pride on his face when he tells us that he had all 3 dinos that day. Way-to-go, kiddo!

I feel like I've failed him once again...

Asshole wrote an email just before the kiddo's birthday asking if he could see him. Once again we gave in and made arrangements to meet at the bowling alley on a Saturday morning so that they could spend a couple of hours together. We met, they bowled, he even congratulated me on my wedding and things overall went better than I had anticipated. This was almost a month ago. We've not heard anything from him since. My biggest fear in even letting this happen was that he would disappear again and it's exactly what happened. I did it for the kiddo and in the end I just set him up for disappointment once again. This makes me want to cut him out all together, to not acknowledge his calls or emails when they come again in who-knows how many months from now.